A Fulfilling Day

Oct26

It’s been a good Monday. The sun was out all day and the moon just past full shone in a clear sky tonight. After using a new inhaler for two days I’ve had great energy all day. It’s amazing what sufficient oxygen will do. I made a delicious sandwich for lunch, a riff on a kale reuben using what I had on hand (see below). I enjoyed some meaningful conversations. And I exercised my right to vote.

There was a spectacular rainbow yesterday afternoon, and I happened to step outside at just the right time. It lasted a good fifteen minutes or so as the clouds shifted around and through it. There was nothing else that felt more important than simply watching it.

Something only one person knows about me is that I don’t like library books. I love libraries, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve come to the realization recently that I don’t like their books. I think there’s been a subconscious aversion for a long time, which first began to manifest after I got a kindle paperwhite eight years ago. I began to enjoy not having a heavy book clunk me in the face when I fell asleep reading. Then Covid struck, and I surrendered to my peculiar brand of germ-phobia.

I’m fine with garden dirt, earthworms, forest detritus, decaying animal carcasses, etc., but I don’t like touching library books that dozens of people have handled with their potentially dirty hands. Imagine all the places your fingers have been when you read a book, and you probably never think to wash hands before you pick it up. I’m a compulsive hand-washer anyway, to a degree which I recognized immediately when I went onto water rations last month. Still rationing, by the way! and very hopeful for a final resolution tomorrow.

Fresh sourdough yesterday

When Covid came along (I know it’s airborne but it heightened my awareness of germ transmission in general) I found myself taking an alcohol wipe to the cover of any library book, and I still couldn’t shake the gut-level discomfort of picking it up and turning its pages. So except in book club emergencies, I’ll avoid a library book. It’s a visceral reaction that affects only me, so I indulge it without much questioning.

I didn’t have sauerkraut for the reuben so I made coleslaw with cabbage and carrot I grew specifically to make coleslaw: garden wisdom says “grow what you love to eat.”

In a similar way, I had a visceral reaction to one of the statutory measures on the Colorado ballot that I filled out this morning, Proposition 133, proposing a mandatory life sentence for human trafficking of a minor. The crime turns my stomach and my gut reaction was to vote yes. But because my gut reaction on this issue could affect many others and not me, discernment was required so I delved deeper. It was the only measure I had any uncertainty about when I read through them on the Blue Voter Guide the first time and saw that most organizations whose endorsements I respect recommended a NO vote. None recommended Yes, and only two had no opinion, the Bell Policy Center and Western Colorado Alliance.

The official drop box at Crawford town hall. I filmed my deposit out of an abundance of caution, and will be checking emails frequently until I receive notice it’s been received. I never used to think twice about the security of my ballot.

Both said essentially the same thing, which instantly solidified my NO vote: There’s no exception for victims of sex trafficking who are sometimes forced to participate in recruiting or managing other victims; legal experts concur that it would not “meaningfully reduce the prevalence of child sex trafficking”; and “Judges, not lawmakers or voters, should determine an offender’s sentence. This measure takes away discretion from legal professionals who are intimately acquainted with cases and are better able to thoughtfully assess facts and culpability.”

I sautéed the last handful of kale along with garlic and red onion, all from the garden…

Another measure that forced some extra discernment is Proposition 137, which on its surface looks like a good revenue reallocation for conservation. But the organizations were split in their recommendations, with more endorsing NO than Yes. On this one I went with the Center for Biological Diversity‘s reasoning, and voted NO. Hidden in the conservation claims is the result that “it would actually allow for expanded logging and road building throughout Colorado’s forests.” Nope. We just don’t need more roads through the woods. Not good for wildlife. So another gut reaction, after some discernment.

…sliced some havarti…

Bottom line, I found the Blue Voter Guide extremely helpful in filling out my ballot, because it offers links to the reasoning behind the endorsements of so many organizations. For the record, Colorado Indivisible and the League of Women Voters both recommend voting YES on Proposition NN and Amendment 87, and NO on everything else. So if you have not voted yet, YOU BETTAH VOTE this week, and check out the guide to inform yourself and maybe switch up some gut reactions. If you haven’t already mailed your ballot and you’re voting early, you probably want to use an official drop box or deliver it in person.

…lightly spread the insides of the bread with mayonnaise and toasted them in the pan, before laying on the cheese, and the mixed kale and coleslaw, then grilling the sandwich til the cheese was perfectly melted.

Back to libraries: I still love and support my local public library! I keep my card current and use it on the eLibrary Libby, donate to Friends of the Library with an annual membership, and donate good quality books to their Cabin Fever Book Sale. I’m meeting some friends for coffee there this week, to enjoy the community-tended garden and as one of them said, “our being there and having fun would be good enticement for patrons.” Our rural county library has struggled through the decades I’ve lived here, due to county cuts and intermittent low patronage. But it’s always enjoyed remarkable community support and a committed and caring staff, and it’s an indispensable technology resource for many people in our neck of the woods.

Wren napping between my knees during a brief rest in a fulfilling day.

Can a Zebra Change Its Stripes?

Oct23

I’ve discovered my new favorite shortbread. I saved this zebra-striped shortbread recipe from Bon Appétit years ago but had never made it, and was looking for a special cookie for my personal shopper and his boss, who loves shortbread most of all. It wasn’t exactly simple, but it was pretty easy, and so delicious.

You mix the dry ingredients in two bowls, just flour and salt in one, and swap out a third cup flour for cocoa powder in the other. Once you’ve beaten the butter, sugars, egg yolk, and vanilla you split that into two equal parts and then mix the vanilla batch first, then the chocolate batch. Then you layer them, roll them, and chill them.

Once chilled, you brush each log all over with egg (I just used the white from the yolk in the dough), roll them in sanding sugar, and slice (as evenly as possible). Then pop them in the oven. Even if I opt not to go through the zebra striping process again, leaving out the cocoa, I’m going to make the dough otherwise the same. It came out so tender but not crumbly, and so tasty.

Just one more word about corruption, from Ta-Nehisi Coates; and then, an antidote if you’ve got 17 more minutes. Check out this inspiring short film about the Ground Game, featuring key candidates in battleground states and their massive grassroots support from volunteers. I am enthusiastically but also cautiously hopeful about democrats taking back the House and Senate this midterm after watching it. Mainstream/legacy media simply have not covered the millions of Americans who’ve been fighting for democracy since the last election, since the scale of the Republican president’s moral turpitude and staggering corruption have smeared themselves through our lives, leaving us all with some degree of moral injury. There really is a ground game, and we are certainly winning that. We’ve got the numbers to flip some seats, if only enough people bother to vote!

Balancing

Oct22

There used to be a nice bird feeder hanging in this tree. I glanced at it from the patio this morning as I always do, and saw that it needed filling, but when I came down with a scoop of seeds the feeder was nowhere to be found! Obviously it hadn’t been there two minutes before: whatever I’d seen was an optical illusion or my imagination filling in a habitual expectation. Ironically, I had just gotten frustrated with it a few days ago because the handle had bent, making the lid hard to open. I thought maybe a squirrel had been worrying it. But to find the stout twig it hung from broken off and the feeder disappeared, my best guess is a bear ran off with it. Several thoughts clambered through my head. I hope he didn’t get a paw stuck in the handle, or worse a head… but no, it was too small an opening for a head… I’m sorry it was probably empty at the time so it wasn’t even worth her effort… do I buy a new one? …bears are having a rough season…

Climate chaos is affecting bears severely this year, report several sources including The Colorado Sun, and this one in The Guardian. “In Colorado, there have been more than 8,600 reports of bear sightings and incidents this year, more than twice as many as last year, according to the state parks and wildlife department. The agency has euthanized 294 bears, three times the 2025 amount.” This isn’t news to most of us living in the rural west, even in towns. A killing freeze in the spring plus extreme drought depleted their natural food supplies throughout the west, and they’ve been coming out of the woods desperate. My neighbor lost her gas grill to a bear last month. But I have not seen a bear yet this year, and I’ve never seen one in my yard. The article goes on to say that “there have been 10 confirmed bear attacks in Colorado, the highest number on record…. In August in New Mexico, which also has had more bear encounters this year, one killed a 67-year-old wildland firefighter inside his home.”

This much larger broken limb likely came down in a recent storm. The woods are so green right now. Another neighbor reported nearly an inch of rain since yesterday, starting shortly after the little ones and I took a nice long ramble. I knew we were in for a few wet days.

Verdure everywhere, mosses, grasses, weeds…

I’m grateful for the respite of the woods, and I’m keeping my eyes open for bears. I’m trying to keep up with the horrors happening and also keep things in perspective. It takes all my mindfulness skills to get through every day, and using them I’m cultivating resilience. Horrors have happened as long as there have been humans, near as anyone can tell. While I pray that they will one day cease when enough people wake up, I have no expectations. This week I read of this new film about the genocide in Gaza asking the question: How do human beings explain taking part in genocide? It was chilling and enlightening.

Then since my loins were already girded for horrors, I read this interview with Mirjana Spoljaric, the head of the International Committee of the Red Cross – not your local disaster relief Red Cross. It’s a long read, but well worth spending the time with her compassion, wisdom, and insights. “Today you get the feeling that war becomes the means to an end itself, and wars continue because people want to stay in power. They have created an environment where war becomes the condition under which they can continue ruling, and that’s very dangerous. You ask me whether we are approaching a third world war. Honestly, history will judge that. History books will tell us whether today we were already in the beginning, or maybe already in the middle of such a situation. The I.C.R.C. didn’t know that we were in the Second World War when it was happening.”

On a potentially more comfortable note, I enjoyed this article exploring the four foundations of mindfulness in the garden, especially resonating with the first foundation, mindfulness of body in being aware of one’s movements and postures while gardening, as well as the sensory experience of working in soil, and the various facets of beauty in the garden, like these Sunfired Flare tomatoes which came on very late in summer, and came off the vine with a lot of skin damage I suspect was inflicted by insects. They sat on the counter a long time ripening after I picked them while I pondered the best way to use them. Finally I just cut and roasted them the other day, and squeezed them out of the skins easily. I used some in a batch of beans for burritos, which I like to make in bulk and freeze for a quick meal. I was glad to have some homegrown onions, too, and used up the last white and yellow onions along with a red one in the beans. The rest of the reds I’ll probably pickle.

An interview I listened to while cooking was with Dr. Jeremy Faust explaining what ER doctors are actually looking for when you show up there, and why he thinks the 1-10 pain scale is pretty much useless. I know I’ll now have a better sense of how to answer questions if I ever end up in an Emergency Room again, and also the next time I see my nice new primary care provider.

Walking in the woods, puttering or working in the garden, cooking and cleaning the kitchen, these activities ground me in what is real and true, help me see reality clearly. And even with the rich reality of my grounded life, I can feel my attention being subtly sucked by the insidious tendrils of algorithms. I’m sorry to admit that I spend more time playing NYT word games and scrolling Instagram now than I did a year ago. It’s a way to escape the horrors of the distillation of power and money to the oligarchs, but the escape itself is a delusion. Christopher Armitage explains the whys and hows in his article ‘Fracking Attention and Strip-Mining Mental Health’. It’s uncomfortable but it offers some small sense of agency going forward in how I spend my attention budget. And it’s been a mindfulness tenet for millennia that where we place our attention forms our world view.

In my house growing up, the only time sour cream ever showed up was when mom made beef stroganoff. I picked up a childish aversion to sour cream because my parents seemed to avoid it, and besides it just sounded all wrong. It’s one of many foods I developed a taste for years later. It’s been many years since I’ve had any kind of stroganoff, and when I saw this recipe for mushroom stroganoff I replenished my sour cream supply and whipped up a quick batch. So simple, so delicious!

And on a differently uncomfortable note speaking of food, this article ranging through the Dark Nutrition movement offers plenty of food for a flite of thoughts. Alexandra Petri once again skewers our times with her satire on ‘humanitarian’ and other words that have lost their meaning in the Trumpscape. And in other doublespeak news, Texas senate candidate Ken Paxton appears to be guilty of voter fraud.

Prickly pear pads plump and round with recent rains…

My practice is all about balancing external influences and internal knowing in an everchanging landscape of uncertainty day by day, minute by minute, breath by breath.

Blue for Green

Oct19
If grief can be a doorway to love, then let us all weep for the world we are breaking apart so we can love it back to wholeness again.
ROBIN WALL KIMMERER

One way we can do that, maybe, is to counter the six cults described by Chris Murphy in his book Crisis of the Common Good, shared by my friend Ted Leach in his blog today. The cults are Profit, Consumption, Globalism, Technology, Credentialism, and Corruption. Not quite the Seven Deadly Sins, but getting there.

I’m grateful that one of my slothful habits turns out to be “an accessible and low-cost protective factor across the lifespan” for my brain! “A growing body of research” indicates that reading for pleasure by children can improve attention and executive function, and by adults lower stress and increase cognitive function; in both, it improves mental health. I could have told you that last bit! In more good medical news, it looks like coffee, even decaf, supports gut health and potentially cognitive health.

I did something different with this week’s sourdough, shaping in a banneton, rising overnight in the cool mudroom, and baking on a sheetpan instead of in a Dutch oven. This resulted in a much thicker crust, and could have used a few fewer minutes in the oven. Or maybe a lower temperature.

What else improves my mental health is the Great British Baking Show. It’s back on for its 17th season, the last twelve of which are available on Netflix. Four episodes down, and even though it was disastrous for most of the bakers this week it’s still the most feel-good show on TV. Yes, it’s a competition, yes there is nail-biting anxiety during some of the challenges -ok, most of them- but it’s a show that cultivates the kind of connections mentioned as an antidote to the destructive cults above. And there is Alison Hammond, an ebullient host whose chemistry with quirky comedian Noel Fielding keeps contestants in good spirits no matter what. And now there’s Nigella Lawson, too.

And, there is Paul Hollywood’s eyes.

On the home front, I’m grateful for snow in the mountains, and another small harvest from the garden. And I mean small! I planted four cabbages in the spring, which were supposed to mature in sixty days or so, and it took them all summer and into fall to be ready to pick. They were supposed to be small, but not this small. I picked all the green tomatoes, too, the evening before we had a hard freeze. Every year the garden is one experiment after another. I’m grateful for all the professional growers in our valley.

I’m grateful for a kindred spirit in my friend who came for a walk and tea on a sunny day after the freeze and the rain. While we bundled for the walk, by the time we turned for home we’d shed our jackets, and then we enjoyed a leisurely pot of tea by the pond. She’s been working hard to save democracy after founding our Indivisible chapter a decade ago, and is still going strong. She led the local “Vote Early” action for No Kings Day last Saturday, which nationwide was a historic success.

If you want to vote to protect our environment, our democracy, and an America for all the people instead of a select few, check out the Blue Voter Guide. Type in your address, which isn’t saved and is used only to locate your ballot choices, and you can see all your candidates and ballot initiatives, along with all the organizations endorsing each side of the issue. I found it helpful for most of the issues, but am still left scratching my head over a couple of them. More research needed before I cast my ballot later this week.

Wren and Elena both very fashionable in their pink neckwear.
Cleaning up the patio today after having brought in all the houseplants, I noticed something in the adobe wall and had to wonder, Did I do this? It’s possible, but I don’t think I did… Who carefully placed this flat stone in the hole in the wall? And by who, I mean what kind of creature, bird or rodent or…?

I do know that I did this, however. I’m so glad and relieved to have finally completed the insulated window coverings for the sunroom! I hung the final panel on Saturday. Stay tuned for the whole Warm Windows story, a remarkable quarter century in the making.

Vote, Dammit!

Oct13
The monsoons continue to be generous this year, taking the edge off the drought.

I know people who don’t bother to vote, especially in a midterm. I’ve skipped an occasional midterm vote but that was before I understood the system. Next month, just weeks from now, the stakes are way too high to let your vote slide.

After torrential rains last month, erosion at the canyon was dramatic with deep rills carved down the steep walls.

We get to VOTE every two years, for various local, state and national representatives. Each election cycle represents an incremental turning of the rudder of our collective ship. This means that over time, say, eight to ten years, we get to change the direction of our government.

So each election, it behooves us to reevaluate: how well are the people I voted for last time actually representing my personal interests, and how well are they contributing to the collective wellbeing of our [fill in the blank: town, county, state, country] and ultimately, are we moving toward the destruction of life on earth or are we mitigating the accelerating crash of climate chaos? 

Wait! Forget I said climate chaos, since I hope that I’m speaking to some climate change deniers. Just forget about the bigger picture for a minute and consider: are you personally better off now than you were two years ago? I don’t know anyone who can answer YES to that. I know of some people who can, people who were already filthy rich (or getting there) who have benefited from the current government’s policies: new and forever wars, exemptions, extractions; the demolition of the underpinnings of public health, food safety, public lands, cultural treasures, endangered species, infrastructure, retirement and healthcare; and the ruined lives of immigrant families, military families, poor families, LGBTQ people, wildlife; and so much more.

But me? I was tenuously set for retirement, if I was frugal, before the last presidential election. Now, I’m worried. I am choosing to skip certain doctor visits because I can’t afford the gas to drive one to two hundred miles round trip. I’m cutting back on some of my favorite foods, and reevaluating my staple groceries because I can’t afford my former shopping habits. Vacation is out of the question: Even if I were willing to get on an airplane again (which I have not since 9/11) I can’t afford a flight; nor can I afford the diesel to fuel my camper van. 

How about you? If you tune into your true experience of living these days, and ignore unruly thoughts about imaginary horrors you don’t personally experience fed by fear-mongering propaganda, what do you discern? Are your neighbors actually out to get you? Or are they just like you, trying to live their lives without bothering anyone, trying to make an honest living and be happy and not suffer? 

Are you spending more on groceries than you ever have? Are you spending more on fuel than you ever have? These are some of the things you should be worried about, not the lies that the current regime spews at you daily.

Yesterday we got a morning rainbow in the west, an afternoon rainbow in the east, and snow overnight.

You should also be worried about your watershed: Where does your drinking water come from, and do you think it’s a bottomless well? Do you think stripping environmental protections means you’ll still have plenty of clean water? Do you live in a tornado alley, or in the path of hurricanes? Do you think your weather forecasts and warnings are as accurate as they were before staggering cuts to National Weather Service? And if you’ve suffered losses from a natural disaster in the past two years, where has FEMA been?

Take a gentle, clear look: Are you better off now than you were two years ago? Do you feel safer, have more financial security, feel less anxious or angry, get along with your community, your family, and yourself any better? This is what it comes down to. My answer to all those questions is no, and I still consider myself pretty fortunate. Only a sweeping Democratic shift in the House and the Senate can put the brakes on the thieving, greedy, corruption that’s ruining the conditions of our daily lives. You don’t have to admit to it, just do it: vote for Democrats down the ticket. Give it eight or ten years, and see if you aren’t better off than you are now.

Are you registered to vote? Even if you think you are, you might not be. Federal interference with state voter rolls may have compromised your status. You can double check here with just a few clicks, and if you’re not registered there may still be time in your state. Don’t let anyone take your voice: your vote matters!

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Intelligent Life

Oct2
My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world.
ADRIENNE RICH

I’ve been reading N. K. Jemison’s trilogy The Broken Earth for a compelling diversion from our current earth-breaking trajectory. As in all good fiction, there are some terribly resonant parallels to our times so it turns out not to be more of a reflection than a distraction. This series followed my reading of Octavia E. Butler’s chilling Earthseed series, Parable of the Sower (1993) and Parable of the Talents (1998), which I’d call prescient except this trajectory was already painfully clear to many visionaries back then.

Poised as we are on the precipice of great changes, one way or another, I’ve been especially interested in the AI thread of our species-wide suicide drive. The Lunch Boyz used to talk about the Singularity regularly, and it took me several patient lunches worth of explanations to begin to understand it. I keep forgetting to ask Philip if it’s here yet, but I’m pretty sure I don’t need to.

So I choose from the endless emails to read articles like this one in The Atlantic, “The Truth Physics Can No Longer Ignore.” How could I ignore that headline? Astrophysicist Adam Frank is optimistic that now that the field of physics has turned its attention to the mystery of life itself, it will be able to help direct the growth of AI. Of course, the article was written almost a year ago, and feels hopelessly out of date now. Nevertheless, it came to my inbox a couple of weeks ago, and this passage intrigued me: “The fundamental laws that govern matter and energy cannot predict another fundamental property of life: It is the only system in the universe that uses information for its own purposes. Plants grow toward light, microbes swim toward rich food sources, animals hide from predators, humans send giant metal contraptions into outer space. Although one can, say, program a robot to search for a wall plug when its battery gets low, a living thing (a human programmer, for example) must hard-code that need into the machine. Life, by contrast, is both agential and autonomous.”

Four panels down, one to go! Inspired by Nature.

A few days later, also in the Atlantic, I read an article subtitled “How exactly is AI supposed to kill us all?” which caused me to wonder, IS Life the only complex system in the universe that uses information for its own purposes? I followed this with a valuable analysis of the threat from SNL’s Weekend Update, an interview with Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei.

The three panels completed over the past month all raised to let in warm sun, and lowered at night.

Before I could get this post finished a new article came out about the hitherto unrevealed extent of rogue AI. The very next day the US president “signed a document drafted by Mark Zuckerberg and approved by the AI oligarchs before it was presented to Trump, who then released it as a White House agreement.” Robert Hubbell went on, “As AI displaces your children and grandchildren from their jobs, gobbles up land and resources in their communities, and drives up utility costs, remember that Trump surrendered to the AI industry in a document drafted by Mark Zuckerberg. And, as a public service announcement, I remind everyone that Trump and the AI industry want to rename ‘artificial intelligence’ to ‘super intelligence,’ to remove any doubt about their belief that humans will be subservient to AI’s alleged superior intelligence.”

The large piñon pine that blew over in the big storm a couple of weeks ago. Brought to you by Nature.

I guess I’m spending the news portion of my attention budget on science-based existential threats rather than political existential threats because, well, been there done that and it broke me after a decade. (Although there’s really no separation at this point.) I’m putting myself back together, healing, by turning the bulk of my attention toward real life, lived experience in this body, on this land where Nature’s intelligent life holds me every day, and inspires my very human creativity, something I refuse to surrender to Artificial Intelligence.

A tiny nest on the forest floor on our walk this morning. I thought it was a hummingbird nest but when I reached to pick it up it felt stuck to the ground, so I left it there.

Also helping me cope with “the colossal scale of so much of what is happening: attacks on the free press, denial of life-saving aid to millions overseas, ongoing ICE killings on the streets and in detention facilities,” are the tactics outlined in the Greater Good Science Center’s recent article Seven Ways to Outlast Political Authoritarianism, recounting the experiences of Serbian activists who learned “how to practice sustainable resistance to authoritarian regimes in challenging conditions.”

Wren enjoying her “last bite” of latté foam.

Only intelligent life can resist, so they have to dumb us down. One way they do this is by hijacking our attention. Alexandra Petri explains another way in “The Kennedy Center Is the Most Terrifying Building in America,” if you want to end with an ironic chuckle.

Inside the Kaleidoscope

Sep30

Another opportunity to practice Equanimity! After the dish water slowed to a trickle this morning we went out to the utility room to find this: the new ‘automatic’ pressure switch failed. Oh well. They’ve scheduled me for Friday. It’s worse this time because I can’t manually activate the new switch so I’m down to jugs only. Glad I have plenty left! I’m grateful that in this little slice of life that was the worst thing about the day. Rain fell off and on all day, with snow on Mt. Gunnison, and plenty of other consolation prizes.

I went out to bring in the potted lemon tree because it could get below 40℉ tonight, and discovered even more mushrooms. It’s been practically eastern with all this rain, earthworms crawling up on the stepping stones and mushrooms all over the place. I spent the cool, drizzly day inside finally mounting two of the drapes. They’re not perfect, but who am I to let perfect stand in the way of good enough? I learned new skills with each of them which I hope I remember when I mount the next one. As I stood there looking at the instructions this morning I felt a little frustration arise: it looked daunting. And it was! But as a little whine began to whisper I can’t do this!, I calmed it with the reminder, I’ve never done this before so of course I don’t know how, and it’s okay if it takes all day. And it did! And that was okay.

I took a lunch break, and after I hung the second panel I warmed up some cheesy grits to eat with coleslaw for dinner. During dinner I dropped everything and stepped outside to savor the sunset. And then I reclined with the heating pad at my tweaked back, ate some ice cream, and started the next knitting project while I watched the final two episodes of this season of Grey’s Anatomy. I hope many millions of Americans have watched this season, which features some prominent storylines highlighting diverse tragedies caused by this current anti-science, anti-research, anti-American government.

Mendicant Ridge shortly before dinner, above, and during dinner, below.

Needle Rock and Sleeping Indian shortly before, and then during sunset.

Running Water

Sep29

Water! And a new faucet that’s been in a box for four years, too complicated for me to install myself. I’m very grateful today for Plumber Chet who showed up promptly afternoon, after texting ahead, and was just as kind in person as he was on the phone. The first thing I did after he left was take an indulgent hot shower. I am usually pretty mindful in the shower, not so much about the amount of water because it goes out to the birch tree, but mindful of the sensations of the shower. Today I felt every single drop that hit my body, which practically sang in gratitude.

I’m grateful for growing into the mindfulness skills I’ve been learning and teaching. The equanimity lived inside me during this minor inconvenience; furthermore, I actually felt grateful for the challenge. They say most of our growth comes during the hard times, which I hope isn’t true (since, you know, spoiled white girl), and that we should be grateful for even the difficulties in life for that reason. Water rationing this weekend brought that alive for me: It was an opportunity to practice equanimity and patience for my own situation, and compassion for people who don’t have ready access to running water or potable water. The UN reports that nearly a quarter of humans globally don’t have drinking water on premises, and almost half lack safely managed sanitation. There are 2.2 million Americans who still don’t have running water in their homes, and there’s a human rights nonprofit working to close that water gap. This really puts rationing water for a few days into perspective; it’s also good practice for a future in which climate chaos will inevitably lead to water shortages. I’m grateful for the internal and external support through a stressful weekend.

One big accomplishment this weekend was The Fried Fish Sandwich. I’ve been wanting to make one for awhile, and finally had all the elements in place. It was Friday’s planned lunch, and the fish was mostly thawed when the water mini-crisis occurred. I put it in the fridge because I couldn’t deal with the mess it would make right then amid all the uncertainty. (Paradoxically, the minute my water use was curtailed, I wanted nothing more than to wash dishes and do laundry.) The next day, I had jugs and occasional tap water and so I tackled the complex lunch. First, I made coleslaw. I half-filled the Fry Baby with peanut oil, whisked egg with a little water, and mixed a flour, cornmeal, and panko bread crumb to dredge the fish. After patting dry the grouper filet, I then prepared the bun: mayo, ketchup, lettuce, tomato, red onion, pickle.

It was a tall one! But it held together remarkably well. It was a great opportunity to recognize the truth of dukkha, or dissatisfaction. It was delicious; and yet, the crust was a little too crunchy – next time, just flour and panko. It was a little too tall. I forgot to squeeze lemon. I wished I’d made tartar sauce. See how we can find dissatisfaction in even the finest moments? Life is hard enough, especially now. I’m practicing noticing these nagging little dissatisfactions so that I can shrug them off and turn my attention to the satisfying aspects of my life. As for the big dissatisfactions, the only thing that’s gonna turn my attention from them is a massive blue wave come November. (And not the one that’s threatening the west coast. How are we just now hearing about this?)

To keep my mind off the fact that I couldn’t repot houseplants or wash sheets, I stayed focused on the drapery project. The top third of the final panel is laid out, and I’ve resolved the dilemma of the rest of the empty space. I realized last week that birds, reptiles, insects, fish, and frogs are well represented in the panels, but I had not included a single mammal. Inspiration struck: a jaguar! So I hunted down some photographs and made a composite pattern from two. She’ll be standing on a fallen tree. I can’t wait to see how she turns out!

And Sunday there was a basic BLT with cheese for lunch, with one of the Sunfired Flare tomatoes from the garden. I wasn’t optimistic about this variety at first. I planted two, and the first one to flower only set a handful of tomatoes. The second one grew lush and tall but didn’t even flower until mid-August. But then it delivered a couple dozen modest-sized fruits, all of which I picked over the weekend because they were splitting from all the rain. They’ll ripen over the next few weeks. I’m grateful for the abundant water that flowed freely all summer through my hoses to nourish the garden through the extreme drought.

Spoiled White Girl

Sep26

I treated myself to a massage last week, but as usual little Wren claimed Elyse’s attention as soon as she arrived. Later, she jumped up on the table and lay quietly between my knees as I received one of the finest back massages of my life. I had her focus on my back because I’d pulled something (conveniently) the day before our appointment, whilst accidentally cleaning out the chest freezer. I only meant to scrape some of the ice that was impinging on lid closure, but couldn’t stop myself from emptying it all out, defrosting completely, sorting contents into Compost (2018 wax beans, 2016 rhubarb, etc.), Keep, or House, to bring into the house freezer or fridge and eat soon.

I haven’t eaten much red meat for years, but when I did I bought the best: local, free-range, from people I knew who raised their animals with love and care. The only meat left in the freezer was a pair of ribeye steaks, which went into the House pile. I have no idea what year they were from, and knew that if they looked awful when thawed I’d throw them away; if they looked fine but not appealing I’d cook and cut them up small for Wren fud; and if they looked tasty to me I’d indulge.

They did look tasty! But they were huge. So I rewrapped one for later and put it back in the chest freezer, and looked up the best way to cook the other. In the years since I cooked meat, I’ve learned a thing or two from watching chefs on tv or instagram, and my mouth always waters a little when I see Chef Matthew Ryle basting browned meat with butter, which I’d never done. Oh, I’d fried steaks in butter, but never knew to baste them. It just looks so sumptuous.

So I browned the first side in butter, and then tossed in finely chopped shallots, garlic, and sage, all from the garden, and finished cooking while I gently tipped the skillet and basted the steak. I probably should have basted before I put in the flavors but I’ll try that next time.

After a few minutes on each side and a poke with the thermometer I determined it was done to medium and removed the steak to a plate to ‘rest.’ Also something I had never bothered with before. Then I splashed a little red wine into the pan and cooked it down to a lovely quick sauce. I sliced a few thin strips to eat with a baked potato and leftover collards, and enjoyed a restaurant meal in my sunroom.

One reason I cooked the steak was so that I could have leftovers in sandwiches for a few days. Wren got all the fat and gristle chopped up small for topping on her next few meals, and I boiled the bone down to a broth for her also. The first sandwich included deli-sliced smoked gouda and garden tomatoes. Between the luxury of steak and the garden tomato, it made me think again of a phrase that comes to mind occasionally, ‘spoiled white girl.’

Shortly after college, I moved to a southern town and lived miles into the country in the ground floor of a two-story duplex owned by an older black woman in town. We had a cordial landlady-tenant relationship, I thought, until one day when her brother picked all the biggest, ripest tomatoes I had grown in my garden out back. I’d invited him to pick a few, but not all of them! I must have mentioned it to her, because she said “You just a spoiled white girl!”

The words stung, I’ll be honest. I mean, like a hard, full-handed slap in the face. They felt deeply unfair, yet also somehow true. I recall nothing more (maybe it will turn up in my journals when I get back to reading them) but the label has haunted me for four decades. As I begin to learn the importance of self-compassion, and explore the process of cultivating it, that phrase keeps bubbling to the surface. I accept that I was raised as a spoiled white girl, but I believe that I’ve come a long way from my upbringing. I see that this weekend in my equanimity and adaptability to losing the running water in my home. The plumber can’t come til Tuesday but I’m making do with water jugs and shower offers from neighbors.

A dessert last week with strawberry ice cream, garden strawberries, and melted dark chocolate.

I noticed quickly that my baseline stress bumped up a couple of notches, simply from not having reliable running water. In truth, I’ve gotten the pressure tank to fill up a couple of times but the switch is dicey and dying. I’m managing to keep dishes clean with frugal intention and flush the toilet when necessary with the house water, but I don’t think that luxury will last through the next few days. I’m grateful for the kindness of friends nearby. This couldn’t have happened at a better time: plentiful rain and cooler temperatures allow a pause in watering the garden, and jugs will work for the few plants that may need some; I’m not dealing with stomach flu or colonoscopy prep; it’s still warm enough that I’m not relying on a hot shower to thermoregulate. There’s much to be grateful for.

And certainly, I recognize my good fortune that this minor inconvenience is the worst hardship I currently personally face. For one thing, I can still afford to fill up my car, which a friend kindly suggested I do the other day before prices go even higher, though it did cost almost fifty dollars for less than a full tank, and forty is the most I’ve ever paid to fill it from empty. Coincidentally, this sign showed up in an email later that day, with a link to Factocracy.net where you can download this and many more signs for free.

But I’m keenly aware of the suffering of humans and other beings around the globe. Everything changes. All the time. In this moment, all is well in my tiny sphere. I think of people in Ukraine, Gaza, Lebanon, Sudan, Nepal, who once had running water and now live in ruins. You never know what’s coming. I think a true spoiled white girl wouldn’t consider the suffering of others, just as the spoiled white men ruling this country don’t consider, or don’t care, about the suffering they’re imposing on millions of Americans—on most Americans: at the gas pump, the grocery store, the hospital, you name it. I know that, privileged as I am, I’m considerably worse off now than I was two years ago, financially, mentally, and emotionally.

Wren reluctantly sits for a fitting of her new sweater underway.

The only thing that saves my sanity at this point is the practice of mindfulness. I teach a meditation called “Three Thoughts,” and each morning I wake up and remember those thoughts as I make an accurate assessment of my life: 1) I’m very fortunate, and I name some of the many ways; 2) my fortune could change in any way at any moment, and death is certain, time of death uncertain; 3) how can I live each precious day that will never come again so that I can face death when it arrives with no regrets? Every day takes learnin’ all over again how to fuckin’ live.

Monsoons

Sep14

Insane rains the past two days. One deluge after another rolling through in waves, lightning and thunder, branches blown down, a large dead piñon toppled, and that’s just what I can see within and from the yard. Poor Wren’s heart may give out before the monsoons are through. But we are all so very grateful for the water, even though much of it is just running off the hardpan ground. Some of it’s penetrating. It will be interesting to see what kinds of flash floods emerge in this region with this unusual storm cycle.

I have been gathering a post about 9/11 which I started on the 25th anniversary last Friday, and I just can’t seem to give it the time it needs. My attention touches then glances off it, but I’ll persist. Obviously, like so many, the day brought up a lot of emotions, primarily fear, dread, and grief. I was grateful for many thoughtful reflections and commemorations around the world that came to my screen, and I want to share some of them.

But mostly, in this moment, I want to offer thanks for the insane rain, and reflect on how unsettling it is after what seems like decades since I’ve experienced anything like it. A lot of these thunders have made me jump. It’s enervating enough for me: I can only imagine how unnerving it is for little Wren. I worry for her bladder as well as her heart, as I have to coax her out between storm bouts, with more forecast through the next week. Topaz was out in a thunderous gale for awhile tonight and I was so happy when she finally came bedraggled and mewing to the window.

Gathered at the strawberry patch in sunnier days, like Saturday. We’ve been getting two or three ripe berries a day, which naturally I have to share. I get one good bite, and one of them gets the stem end with a generous bit of berry left on.

A few more modest harvests from home, and some treats from the farmers’ market. It took awhile but I finally made bread and butter pickles with the cucumbers from the farmers’ market last time. Just two pints, so I didn’t bother canning them, just put them in the fridge. They won’t last long.

Anatomy of a tomato-cheese sandwich.