Stellar’s Last Days: Pee

I’m grateful for a warm, sunny day, which enabled me to wash Stellar for the first time in weeks. Some days he gets almost this wet from his pee alone.

Grateful it was but a dream when I woke again this morning, after witnessing a horrific community tragedy. As we watched from Main Street shops, I spied an avalanche on the nearby mountains. “Avalanche!” I cried and others turned to look. I watched aghast as almost every chute on the whole mountain range released its built up snow in short order, and in the midst of it, saw dozens of skiers trying to ride out the first and biggest avalanche, watched some get tossed and buried (amazed even then by the keenness of my vision). The aftermath was terrible, twenty-five lost on the mountain, triage for dozens more, and all the while the mountains moving closer.

I wandered the stairs, rooms, halls of a sudden building where survivors gathered, emergency response efforts underway, people in tight conversations. I couldn’t find a place to fit in or a way to help. Even worse, I couldn’t find where I had parked my car! so I couldn’t get home to Stellar, to safety. Startled awake for the second time at 7:30, I was grateful to let my body settle into quiet contemplation of a more accurate perception of my world.

After meditating, Stellar and I greeted another gorgeous fall day. We enjoyed several short walks, and he rested comfortably on his outside beds all day, while I swept and winterized the patio and settled the houseplants in their new winter spots in the sunroom. I’m grateful for the mild weather: any time he’s outside is time he’s not peeing inside. Except for incontinence, now, he’s so much happier than he was a few weeks ago. Poor guy, anytime he lies down he leaks. I do at least one load of his laundry and throw away pounds of soaked pee-pads daily. I’m grateful for pee-pads, and for patience, and for knowing that this trial, too, is impermanent. One day it will be over.

A clean bed with layers of sheets and pee-pads will only last a few minutes once he lies down.

2 thoughts on “Stellar’s Last Days: Pee

  1. Oh, Rita, what a nightmare. There you are, facing the world problems symbolized as avalanches over which you have no control, and unable to even help the injured. That dreadful sense of helplessness, which is where current events so often leaves us. I wonder where this will all take us? It is so Rita of you to feel personally responsible for so much disaster, and to struggle with such a hopeless and unheeded need to warn and to help. I send empathy and love–hang in there.

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